A lost soul

June 2^nd

I think I finally understand, I understand why it has to be this way, I understand why you are the way you are. It’s okay I forgive you but I won’t stand by any more, as of today it all changes. No more I won’t do it anymore I’m choosing this path I won’t be the same person you knew when I get back I won’t be the same person anyone knew when I come back I don’t want to live this way anymore so its time I stop waiting I’ve waited long enough.

I’ve… let the darkness take me over I live in the dark alone away from everyone I choose this I choose to take all the pain so none of you would have to bare any of it I’ve taken all the weight and put it on my shoulders I choose that so you could be happy so all of you could be happy even when it meant I would not. I was the one who was there for you every step of the way and now look where we are, look where you are where I am is it fair? No not at all but the thing is… I would do it all over again I would suffer for you, for you all so that you won’t have to suffer anymore. I’ve given all that I have never asking for anything in return but… now I am….. I need help I’m lost I’ve all but given up all hope I feel myself braking I won’t last much longer like this.

May 31st

I had a dream… at least I think it was a dream my mind has blurred fact from fake I can’t tell if It was just a dream or if it really did happen but I think it might have just been a dream, I dreamt that I told her everything, everything I’ve ever wanted to tell her everything I’ve kept locked away from her and the world that I let it all out, I think it felt good in my dream but I don’t quiet remember. I mean it must have been a dream I pretty sure I would remember letting it all out and telling her everything unless I hit my head that is but then I would know if I did that… wouldn’t I?

I feel more lost then ever like the darkness is closing in around me, I feel like there is another me inside pound away at my soul trying to get out it feels angry like a beat inside me ready to be let lose ready to let out all of my anger and rage, I feel it in me like a poison, poisoning me from the inside. You know… it scares me to think about what would happen if I let all my anger out if I let the rage consume me and take control. The sad part is I know what would set me free from all of my pain; I know what would make me happy pain free the ironic part is I can’t have it… I can’t have her… I never will because of the way life just is…cruel and unforgiving

May 29th

Some people are so fake it drives me crazy! Just because that one person is there you’re totally different it’s so stupid! It’s funny though how you know not to try me when your acting fake around her you might talk shit about other people but you know better than to talk shit about me, because you know I’ll call your ass out in front of everyone :p “sometimes I love being me” but then again being me is also a lonely path :(

Well The A/C was off at school today for like 3 or 4Hr it sucked so much! I should have stayed home today but I’m glad I didn’t after school was pretty nice :D makes me glad I didn’t skip school like I was thinking about Haha I miss all of my friends though we use to all be so close and tight freshmen year not going into are senior year we are so distant it’s like we don’t even hang out let alone talk, I feel like I’m the only one trying to keep are friend ship alive.

It’s part of the reason why I feel like I should just leave sometimes and start new somewhere else somewhere far always :/……

I miss the woods I kind of hate the big city life it’s so….blah I want to go hiking and camping again so bad it’s crazy! I would do just about anything to go on a 2 week long hike/camping trip again

May 28th

Why? What’s the point anymore? Why can’t I stop caring?

May 27th

It was the same today I felt alone even when I was talking to friends I felt like I was still alone like I couldn’t really talk to any of them I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. I was at the pent house of the W hotel today my dad got it from one of his friends who is part owner of the W hotel on south beach he had his band play there and make a music video or some shit like that. It was nice there like a different world I got a taste of it a taste of how rich people live, it’s funny when I looked around seeing how they spent their money how so much of it was just a waste when they could use it to help people.

The same old thing happened today as every other weekend I get blown off because you make other plans how nice… well fuck you because I’m done I’m done trying to be a good friend I’m done trying to always be the nice guy I’m done always being the one who’s there when no one else is I’m done be the reliable one I’m done with you. I’m done with my family I’m done with all of the bullshit and pain I’m done being the one you all take for granted I’m done letting you all take me for granted I’m done with living by an honor code that I tried so hard to live by everyday thanks for making me no longer believe that there’s any good out there because there’s not it’s all pain and suffering there is no good not anymore.

I want to talk about it I can admit I need help I just don’t know how… The funny thing is it’s the   only thing I’m afraid of my emotions, letting it all out is the only thing in this world I’m afraid of. The only person to ever really get me to start opening up left… Haha now what am I suppose to do I don’t know how to open up to anyone else I want to I really do… but how? I need help!

May 26th

I woke up today feeling the same as I did yesterday alone, I know vie done this to myself I’ve taken this road, I’m here alone in the dark but I do not wish nor do I hope for anything I know what I want but there is no point in wishing and hoping it does no good makes nothing come true, I’ve always said you have to take what you want but I can’t it’s not something you can just take…

I haven’t talked to anyone today… the thing is I don’t regret it I don’t regret taking this road maybe I was meant to. They say god does everything for a reason maybe he wants me to be alone so it’s easy when I’m a dog of the military so no one will miss me so I won’t want to go home so I can die fighting without anyone who will miss me when I’m gone. Haha if you believe in him that is which I don’t… I use to…. But I’ve lost my faith, I want to believe in him but I can’t… not anymore not after everything that has happened.

So times I wonder why I am this way, why do I care so much, why can’t I just cut everything off like I want to… why can’t I protect the people I care about, the girl I love… why can’t I stop…. It would be so much easier that way I want to protect them but I can’t.

My life is falling apart at the seams my family is broken everything is wrong I just want to leave and never look back but I can’t it’s too late… It’s too late for me

May 25th

Today was just like any other day… I woke up with high hopes like anyone else would. I know it’s my fault that I’m alone that I’ve fucked everything up again like every other day in my life as far back as I can remember it’s always been the same thing for me the same shit just another day.

Every day I wake up knowing that it’s going to be the same thing as the day before but still I crawl out of bed put on a fake smile and go to school like everything is fine and dandy that way I don’t have to lie when someone ask me what’s wrong. I know I’ll just lie and say that everything is alright even when I want to talk about it, I think they know when I’m lying but I can’t be sure if they do an just don’t care or not, hey It could just be that I’m that good of a liar shit my whole family is so why not me.

My friends…. There good friends…. I think they are but I wouldn’t really know some of them are the first friends I’ve ever had… ant that something I don’t think I’ve had a real friend till I got to high school and joined NJROTC…. But then some of them are only around when they need something we don’t ever hang out for just no reason it’s always because of ROTC when we do so then again maybe some of them are not real friends but I wouldn’t know…. Well I don’t want to know if they are or not because there all I have. Well I know one of them is my true friend he’s always been there for me when I’ve needed him but we don’t talk much anymore it’s like we have grow apart. I’m alone in this world… I’ve accepted that maybe that’s the reason I’ve chosen to become a dog of the military maybe that’s why all I want to do is join and serve this country I know I’m alone and no one would care If I die out there, at least I would know I was dying for something…or maybe I could just end it here and now I doubt anyone would notice for a while besides my mom and sister, I doubt any of my friends would notice for a few days maybe even a week or two it’s not like they ever want to hang out or call/text me it would be easy to just end it all now and just slip into the dark cold night slip into the shadows of the underworld. I’ve already picked out my death song… I can hear it playing in the background everywhere I go its silent melody, I’m dancing to my grave I can hear it so clear.